As a parent carer you may face unique challenges in your role, and experiencing difficult feelings and complex emotions will be part of your journey at times.
It is important to remember that all emotions are a perfectly natural and a healthy part of being a human being. No emotion or feeling is ever ‘wrong’, and being willing to simply acknowledge how you are feeling at any point is a crucial first step in managing these emotions when they arise.
Recognising your emotions and managing them can prevent feelings from building up to overwhelming levels and impacting the overall quality of your life. Your wellbeing as a parent carer is important, and whilst the experience of being a parent carer might not always feel easy.
Together with parent carers support here are some examples of feelings and emotions you may experience and some simple, practical ways to support yourself when those more difficult feelings arise.
Carers Guilt
Most carers will experience carers guilt at some point in their caring journey and it can arise in a variety of situations. It often stems from the desire to do the best you can for the person you care for. For example, guilt may arise when there is a belief that you are letting down family and friends by not being as present as you might like due to the demands of your caring role.
Some parent carers have shared with us that there have been times when thoughts such as ‘not measuring up’ to certain societal standards, or a desire for your life to be more ‘normal’; there may also be thoughts and feelings of wishing your child were more like a sibling or other children of their age, or simply a desire to have more time just for yourself. It can bring feelings of guilt to think these thoughts, and parent carers often try to push the thoughts and associated feelings away because they feel so uncomfortable. This can cause the emotions to get stronger.
If a thought or a feeling comes up, it simply wants to be heard and to be felt. It is important to acknowledge these feelings, setting aside time to sit with them, allowing yourself to feel whatever is there, can help.
Taking time to regularly remind yourself that you are doing your best, and that there is lots to be proud of too, can also help to counteract feelings of guilt. Whilst certain feelings might not go away completely, this can help you view your situation from a more balanced perspective and the extreme charge associated with them can soften. It is natural as a parent carer to experience different thoughts and feelings and being able to process those feelings by writing them out in a journal, talking to a trusted friend or sharing them as part of a support group can be all useful coping strategies.
You can find more information and advice on this particular area in our article on Carers Guilt on the Carers First website.
Grief
Grief is an emotion that comes from an intense feeling of sadness and loss. Whilst it can of course be associated with the death of someone we care for, grief is also often part of the parent carer experience. Many parent carers express the deep sadness they feel at their child losing out on the life they had once imagined for them. There can be grief too for yourself and your life as the parent; the life you had been living or had planned for yourself and your family might suddenly disappear or look very different, and this can be shocking.
It’s important that as a parent carer you recognise that these are all valid and natural feelings and that experiencing them does not mean you are being disloyal or unkind. These feelings are an important way that your body and mind are processing the shock and grief of very real loss.
In these situations, sharing your experience and journey with other parents who may be in similar positions It can be a great relief to feel seen, heard and understood by others in a non-judgemental, supportive space.
Learning from others at different stages of the parent carer journey can also be helpful. Emotions and feelings don’t often stay the same, and it can be encouraging to hear from others’ experience that whilst there may always be a certain sense of loss, your feelings of grief can be eased over time.
Some carers also highlight how important it is for them to intentionally identify what they appreciate about their child as they are now. Whilst not negating any feelings of loss, to actively focus on the positive aspects of your relationship now can be a great support.
Fear and anxiety
Fear arises when we believe we have no control, or that our safety or the safety of our child feels threatened. You might feel fear or concern for your child’s health or wellbeing, there might be anxiety around making sure your child is receiving the right support, or you might be afraid as to what the future holds for your child. Whatever your particular situation, taking practical action and putting supportive structures in place can help to ground your fears, increase your feeling of having more control, and reduce anxiety.
This might look like joining a support group to gain a fuller understanding of your child’s condition; it might be creating a plan that will help you deal with emergencies; you might explore options for long-term care, using resources like our Planning For The Future toolkit, and reaching out to supportive agencies.
Long term fear and anxiety can have a detrimental effect on overall health, and so making sure that your wellbeing is a priority means both you and your child will benefit.
You might take part in an online relaxation or breathwork class, aim to spend some time every day outdoors, or join a local support group to connect with other parents who can understand. All these are great ways to support your body and mind, helping you feel more resilient as you deal with the challenges that can be part of being a parent carer.
Frustration
Caring for a child with additional needs can be a life-long endeavour, and some parent carers share how they sometimes feel that there is no respite, which can cause resentment, hopelessness, and frustration.
You may be actively engaged in supporting your child to access the specialist support they need as part of your caring role, and if you are faced with a lack of resources or a lack of understanding from others it is natural to experience some frustration.
The calmer you are in any situation, the more you can respond positively to whatever arises, staying open to constructive solutions and moving forward, rather than getting stuck in resistance. In those moments when you notice frustration begin to arise, you might take some very simple steps to calm your nervous system, perhaps using some simple breathing or relaxation techniques, like the ones we offer here.
This is preferable to allowing feelings of frustration to build up and be expressed in a destructive way, or internalised, which can lead to overwhelm and exhaustion. Asking for someone to advocate for you in a particular situation can reduce the pressure that might lead to feelings of frustration.
Anger
Anger is a complex emotion that may have other feelings such as despair, hopelessness and fear at its root. It can sometimes seem frightening to feel anger if you associate it with being out of control, or being dangerous, but just like any feeling or emotion, anger is natural and healthy to feel at times. Anger only becomes a problem if it is expressed in a destructive way or becomes a chronic reaction over time.
Recognising when you feel anger is, as always, the first step. Some parent carers say feelings of anger can be triggered by their situation, by others around them who don’t understand, and even by their child at times. In moments when you feel anger, it’s important to notice what is going on inside your body, and take appropriate steps. These might include in-the-moment strategies such as removing yourself from the triggering situation and taking a few minutes to support yourself, perhaps moving your body, journaling or taking some calming breaths before returning.
Writing down when you are triggered, what triggers you and what you are feeling in a diary can help you identify particular patterns, as well as other feelings under the surface that might need to be expressed. Longer term solutions might include booking in some respite support so you can spend some important time away, able to relax and return feeling restored.
Sharing your feelings of anger within a caring, non-judgemental support group can also be very helpful. Importantly, if you are finding it difficult to deal with anger and are feeling out of control, it is important to remember that you are not alone, and that counselling, therapy and professional help is always available. Talking to your GP is a great first step.
Isolation
Many parent carers say they can feel lonely in their role, and can often experience feelings of isolation. Your child might be on a different journey to their peers and you might feel left out of the social network. Maybe you are not able to enjoy activities with friends because your child requires your presence at all times.
Whatever your particular reasons, if you are feeling isolated as a parent carer there are steps you can take to feel more connected. Parent carers say that simply booking in time for a cup of tea and sharing how they are feeling with a trusted friend or family member can be just what they need.
Connecting with others is vital for our wellbeing, and so actively ensuring that you are making time to reach out to others is important, both for you and the child you are caring for. Support groups that you attend with or without your child are also helpful, and there are lots of online communities that you can join from home, providing you with important feelings of support and connection.
Exhaustion
Because caring for a child with special needs can be physically and emotionally draining, it’s no surprise that many parent carers share that they often experience feelings of exhaustion. As a parent carer, difficult feelings and emotions might be part of the journey, but knowing that you are not alone and that there are ways to support yourself can help.
In order to avoid burnout and overwhelm, it is crucial to prioritise self-care. Making sure you are eating well and enjoying regular rest and restorative sleep as far as you can is important. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from family or friends or consider respite care services to give yourself much-needed breaks. Looking after yourself is paramount, and you can get started by checking out our helpful wellbeing resources here. You might also want to check out our page on Supporting a Child with Additional Needs.
This guide is an introduction to some of the feelings and emotions as a parent carer you may experience. You may encounter some, none or all of these. It is important to note that the feelings you do experience are valid, and with support they can be managed. If these feelings do become overwhelming and are creating an impact on your wellbeing, seeking support through your GP to access more specialist support will help manage these longer term.
As a carer you are entitled to support in your role, to encourage the balance between being a carer and your wellbeing. For more information on accessing a Parent Carers Assessment please see Webpage.