Caring for someone who has an addiction or a dependency can be a very difficult and emotionally challenging experience for everyone involved. The relationships between the person who has an addiction and their friends and family can become strained and uncomfortable, and just at a time when you all need extra support, it can sometimes feel very hard to share what’s going on with others or to seek help.
Here we look at some of the challenging behaviours and relationship dynamics you might encounter if you are supporting someone with a dependency or addiction. We also share some practical advice around how to create interactions that feel more positive, whilst prioritising your own wellbeing at all times.
Caring for someone who has an addiction or a dependency can be a very difficult and emotionally challenging experience for everyone involved. The relationships between the person who has an addiction and their friends and family can become strained and uncomfortable, and just at a time when you all need extra support, it can sometimes feel very hard to share what’s going on with others or to seek help.
Here we look at some of the challenging behaviours and relationship dynamics you might encounter if you are supporting someone with a dependency or addiction. We also share some practical advice around how to create interactions that feel more positive, whilst prioritising your own wellbeing at all times.
Types of challenging behaviours and situations
Someone with an addiction may not feel or recognise they have a problem, even if those around them do. This can lead to them minimising the impact that their choices and behaviour might be having on themselves and others. It can also make it difficult for those who care about them to address the issue and talk about things openly. Sometimes family and friends might also deny there’s anything going on, perhaps because they find it too difficult to face, or simply don’t know what to do for the best.
Someone with an addiction can sometimes hide what is going for them and be dishonest, lying to those around them about where they have been or what they might have been doing. If someone who has an addiction is repeatedly dishonest and breaks lots of their promises, it can erode the trust between them and the people who care for them, causing doubts, insecurities, and lack of confidence within their relationships.
Manipulation is when one person tries to influence another for their own advantage, and at times, someone with a dependency or an addiction may resort to manipulative behaviours. They might play on the emotions of those around them, trying to make others feel guilty, or causing arguments. Sometimes they might be overly nice so they can get what they want. It can feel very uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of manipulative behaviour. Knowing that you don’t have to put up with anything that feels wrong to you, and setting up strong boundaries, can create a healthier situation.
Having an addiction can sometimes cause someone to have mood swings, be irritable, and even act in aggressive and violent ways. All this can create a feeling of instability, and an environment where other people can feel constantly ‘on alert’ or unsafe. It can feel hard for those involved to discuss issues without worrying about creating conflict.
Living in an atmosphere like this can severely affect the emotional, mental and physical health of those involved, and so as well as setting up strong boundaries, seeking support if ever anyone’s safety feels threatened is vital.
It is very normal for those who care for someone who has a dependency or addiction to feel angry and resentful because of the disruption and pain the addiction can cause. Friends and family might feel frustrated that the person they care for has so much potential and support offered to them, and they simply can’t understand why they don't change their behaviour.
Sometimes, someone with an addiction might blame their family and friends for what they are going through, or for somehow causing their problems. This can all create a situation where people feel stuck in patterns of mutual resentment. This dynamic can often be resolved by accessing independent support, like counselling or therapy, that helps everyone involved to share their feelings, be heard, and find healthier ways of relating to each other.
Codependency is where others can become so involved in the life of the person they care for that it begins to affect their own life in a negative way. Codependent behaviour can include enabling and collusion. Enabling involves behaviours that, intentionally or unintentionally, support someone to maintain their dependency, like giving them money, rescuing them in a crisis, or excusing their behaviour. Collusion includes ignoring, overlooking or also engaging in harmful behaviour, or acting in ways that might be illegal or dangerous along with the person with the addiction, like driving them to buy substances or engaging in substance use or problematic activity together.
These forms of codependent behaviour can prolong a dependency or an addiction, as well as making it much harder to establish healthy relationships.
Our article on understanding the different ways of responding offers more information.
Things you can do to promote more positive relationship dynamics
Learning more about what dependency and addiction is from reputable, expert sources can help you to feel more confident and empowered as you deal with its impact on your own life. Knowing more about the cycle of addiction can support you to feel more aware and prepared for what you might expect as the person you care for moves in and out of different stages.
For more on the cycle of addiction and recovery process, please see our articles on managing the ups and downs of someone’s addiction, and support for people affected by someone’s addiction.
Whilst it might change how your relationship looks and feels, establishing clear, consistent boundaries can promote healthier relationship dynamics between you and the person you are supporting.
Clear boundaries can help you to feel safer and more confident, and the person you care for to be clearer around limits regarding financial support, living arrangements, and general acceptable behaviour. Being able to say a clear ‘no’ when you need to will help you maintain these important boundaries, protecting your own wellbeing as well as preventing enabling and other codependent behaviour.
Sometimes, although it might not feel easy, it can be best for everyone to create some physical distance between you and the person you care for. This big step can minimise the impact of any challenging behaviours on family and friends. It can also be a turning point in the lives of many people who have an addiction as they have to deal more directly with the consequences of their actions, and can often feel more motivated to seek help.
Our article on setting boundaries and creating distance offers more information and support.
It’s important to remember that whilst you might desperately want the person you care for to ‘stop’ or seek help, the motivation to change their behaviour has to come from them. Of course, wanting to ‘fix’ an addiction can come from simply wanting the best for someone, but letting go as you hand the responsibility for their recovery back over to the person you are supporting can actually help you to feel more free, and can bring some relief.
Sometimes, people who care for someone with a dependency or an addiction can feel guilty when they create changes that seem to leave the person they care for to manage by themselves. They might wonder if they could have done more, or feel perhaps they were responsible if the person does go on to experience what might seem like a decline.
It can be helpful to keep in mind that lapse and relapse are often important stages of someone’s recovery process. These phases can actually help someone to understand the types of support they might need and the changes they might have to put into place in a way that remaining in a situation with family or friends cannot.
Our articles on managing feelings of guilt, shame and stigma and carer’s guilt may also be useful.
Accessing support
It can often be very difficult for carers to put their own needs first, but if you are supporting someone with an addiction, prioritising yourself is important to maintaining your own wellbeing. Taking care of yourself will also be part of ensuring that the relationship dynamics between you and the person you care for will be as positive and healthy as possible going forward.
If you are in a relationship with someone with a dependency or supporting someone with an addiction, you can access support also, there is help available, and allowing yourself to receive that help will form an important part of your self care. Talking things through with others who will understand, perhaps with your GP, a counsellor, or with others in a support group specifically set up for families affected by addiction, can help you to process the difficult feelings and emotions that can come up.
These groups, and the various organisations you will be able to find online, can also offer you valuable insights, coping strategies and a sense of community, and all this can contribute to helping you remain hopeful, resilient and able to thrive despite the challenges you might be facing. Family counselling or therapy especially designed for couples affected by dependency and addiction can also be a great support, helping people learn how to interact more positively with each other and enjoy healthier relationship dynamics.