Managing the unexpected death of the person you care for
This article is for carers who have experienced the unexpected death of the person they care for. For our other articles on caring for someone who is end of life, you can find them here.
Due to the nature of this article, the content references death, suicide and dying. This article shares practical advice around what to do after someone has died, which can be difficult for some carers to read. We encourage you to read this with your wellbeing in mind and take a break if you need to.
If you have just discovered the person you are caring for has died, you should call 999 immediately.
The death of the person you care for can often be incredibly difficult, especially if it was unexpected or sudden. There are a number of reasons by someone might have an unexpected death such as a medical event, by suicide, an act of violence or an accident but this can also include those who have a terminal diagnosis or was at the ‘end of life’ stage, and their death came sooner than anticipated. This article outlines some of the things carers could expect when the person they are caring for dies unexpectedly and things which can help them to navigate through this incredibly difficult time.
If a family member or friend dies unexpectedly
If the person you are caring for has died, an important first step is to call 999 who will send an ambulance and police car. The 999 operator may advise you to administer CPR or first aid until the ambulance arrive. Whilst it might seem odd to send an ambulance to someone who has died, a person must be declared ‘deceased’ by a medical professional, which the ambulance team can do.
Someone dying unexpectedly can be a traumatic experience, especially if you were with the person when they died, offering first aid, or trying to call for help. This can give rise to a range of emotions including shock, anger, sadness and grief. Sometimes people who experience this type of loss develop ‘traumatic grief’. Whilst this is not a diagnosable condition, the term is used to describe an experience of bereavement with added dimensions of trauma. Traumatic grief is complex and many people need extra support in the weeks, months and even years to help process what happened.
Telling other people
Finding the right words and allowing people the space to express their emotions can make telling their family and friends an emotionally challenging task, especially if you have a large number of people to tell. It is however an important part of the process. For some carers, it can be helpful to plan what they might say beforehand including that they have some bad news to share and suggesting they sit down. This will help to prepare people for the inevitable shock of hearing the news.
Preparation can also help carers find the right words as, whilst it can seem easier to use phrases like ‘passed away’ or ‘gone’, using simple, language like ‘died’ be clearer, helping to avoid confusion, especially if you are talking to children or people with additional needs.
If there are lots of people to tell, it is okay to ask family members to pass the message on to specific people, reducing the number of times you are required to have the conversation.
Understanding cause of death
Following an unexpected death, there are some additional legal processes which also have to take place around cause of death. These will start from when the person first dies and can last for several weeks. For example, is legally required that, if the death is suspicious, sudden or unnatural, it must be reported to a coroner who may request a post-mortem examination. A post mortem helps to determine the cause of death.
The police will also visit and ask questions to find out more information about the person and the circumstances around their death. This is to help rule out whether a crime has been committed and to help the coroner determine cause of death. This can feel daunting but it is important to note that this is a standard procedure. Once the cause of death has been determined, this will be documented on the death certificate. As these legal procedures can take time, it may be necessary for funeral arrangements to be delayed.
Funeral Planning
If the person you are caring for has died unexpectedly, you may be tasked with organising their post-death and funeral arrangements. This might include whether they are buried or cremated, which funeral director and what type of ceremony to hold. Making decisions for after they are gone can feel like a daunting task so taking each decision as they come can help. You can read our practical guide on steps you can take as a carer after someone has died here.
Financial support to help with funeral costs
If planning the funeral arrangements for someone who has died unexpectedly, it can be helpful to explore whether there is any financial support available. For example, your may be able to apply for a Funeral Expenses Payment from the government if you are in receipt of certain benefits. If you are unable to afford a funeral, there is also the option of applying for a Public Health funeral.
If you are arranging a funeral for your spouse or partner, you could also apply for a Bereavement Support Payment which can be given over 18 months or in one lump sum. It does not affect other benefits and can be used towards the cost of the funeral if needed.
The emotional impact of an unexpected death as their carer
The sudden death of someone close is hugely upsetting and painful. It can place a tremendous burden on your emotional system and can make everyday tasks like getting dressed or cooking seem overwhelming. You might struggle with concentration and to complete simple tasks, wanting to avoid social situations or anywhere there is too much activity or noise. Recognising that everything you are going through is a normal and natural response to experiencing the trauma of the unexpected death of someone you cared for is crucial.
As a carer, the sudden death of the person you care for is also likely to immediately affect your routines, living arrangements and future plans too. In fact, many carers go through a grieving process for their identity as a carer and their caring role.
When navigating what life might look like outside of caring, it can be beneficial to speak to others who are experiencing a similar transition. Carers First have a number of support groups in local areas for recently bereaved carers and former carers which may help.
Grief and trauma
Grief is a natural process made up of lots of different thoughts, feelings and emotions as the body, mind and emotional system attempt to process a loss, and the grief associated with an unexpected death is especially complex. You might find our Carers Guide to Grief to be a helpful resource here.
Many carers also experience anxiety, going over and over the circumstances that may have led to their death in your mind, or worrying about how you could have stopped it from happening.
This is heightened if the circumstances around their death are traumatic. If these changes continue for more than a few months, or you are concerned at any time, speaking to your GP is important as you may benefit from some extra support to manage the impact on your wellbeing.
We are also here to support you at every stage of your caring journey, and if you are dealing with the unexpected death of someone you were caring for, we want to help.