As someone who may be supporting someone who has a dependency or an addiction, you might sometimes feel at times that you are unsure of how to manage unexpected behaviours. A dependency or addiction can mean that the person you care for might sometimes behave in very erratic, challenging ways, and it can be very difficult to know how to respond, or to know what the right thing to do or say might be.
Here we look at some of the ways people might respond when affected by someone’s addiction or dependency, and offer some practical advice to support you.
Typical Responses to Someone's Dependency or Addiction
It’s a very common instinct to want to jump in and ‘fix’ someone’s problem for them, or to stop someone’s dependency on a substance or activity, but it’s important to remember that any desire to make a change must come from them if it is to be real and long-lasting. Trying to control someone else’s choices and decisions can lead to conflict and create more stress for them and those supporting them. Good quality help is available for people with dependency and addiction when they are ready to seek it, and with a strong internal motivation and the right support, a healthier, happier life is certainly possible for them.
Of course, most people would never deliberately support someone’s dependency or addiction, and would want them to stop, but it is very easy for people who care for someone with an addiction to become involved in some ways. This might be through providing a comfortable home, helping someone manage a dose, giving them money when they say they need it or rescuing them when they get into problems related to their addiction, for example. Whilst all of this can come from a natural desire to prevent someone from being in pain or discomfort, this response can result in people inadvertently enabling the person they care about to continue using a substance. This response also removes any incentive for the person with an addiction to change, and this can all cause more difficulties for everyone involved in the longer term.
Other ways that people can respond are to deny that there is a problem, or to acknowledge that the behaviour related to addiction will continue, but taking no steps to change things. This might be because they feel they simply can’t face the situation, or because they have nothing different to compare it to, so might believe it’s ‘normal’. They might feel they have no choice, or that they simply don’t know what else to do.
In these situations, some people who care for someone with an addiction might find themselves implementing support networks around the person to help them function in their daily life, or doing things like paying off their debts, or calling in sick to work on their behalf. Again, most people are trying their best to do what they believe is right and this might all come from a good place, but it can also become part of enabling someone to continue using substances or engaging in problematic behaviour. These types of responses can also have an impact on healthy boundaries between people too and mean other people around someone with an addiction can be further affected in ways that can be damaging.
Understanding that all these reactions are normal can help you navigate them more effectively when you notice what is happening and how you are responding. Our article on managing the ups and downs of someone’s addiction may also be useful.
Suggestions on how to create a more positive outcome for both you and the person you are supporting.
Below we share some responses and strategies that can create more positive, healthier outcomes for you and others who might be affected.
There may be times when the person you care for wants things to change and opens up to you about their feelings. At these times, the most helpful response will be to simply listen to what they have to say, validating their feelings even if you disagree with certain choices they may still be making. You might also express your concern for their wellbeing, reminding them that you care about them and want to support them in their journey towards recovery. If they are open to hearing it, you might suggest that if they want help to find resources or professional help or to attend appointments, you will be there for them.
Sometimes, people with a dependency or addiction can behave in ways that can be confusing, frightening and/or dangerous to others around them. There may be lies, manipulation and illegal or inappropriate activity going on, and it’s important to remember that you do not ever have to put up with a situation that feels wrong or threatening to you in any way.
In order to create a positive change it is sometimes necessary to say no to certain behaviour, or for you to withdraw certain support you may have been offering. This can shift how your relationship with the person who has an addiction looks and feels. Taking a step back might mean that the person with an addiction might feel upset or angry, and they might say things to make you feel bad. They might experience a decline, and this can be very challenging for those around them to witness who might feel guilty, as if it’s their fault. It can feel very difficult for those who care for them, but at some point it is vital that the person with an addiction is allowed to experience the natural consequence of their actions.
Knowing that you are not responsible for someone else’s choices or behaviour, and that stepping back can be an important step in someone’s process of recovery, can help to make distancing yourself a little easier.
Sometimes, in relationships with people we care about, we can sometimes make allowances and excuses for their behaviour and put their needs above our own. Whilst it can sometimes feel easier to do this in the short term, over time it can lead to difficulties and unhealthy situations. As someone who cares for someone with a dependency or an addiction, a very important part of supporting yourself to stay healthy and well will be being able to set and maintain clear boundaries. Sometimes this can feel hard to do, but remembering that it is their behaviour that you are saying is unacceptable, and not the person themselves, can make it feel easier and less personal.
Our article on ways to set boundaries and create distance when supporting someone with an addiction goes into more depth.
Making decisions in a crisis situation
It might be that you are supporting someone who is finding it hard to stay safe because their mental capacity is impaired, and others around them may also be at risk of harm. In these cases, you might have to take the very difficult step of acting in everyone’s best interests and calling for expert help from the emergency services. Our article on understanding capacity and consent when supporting someone with an addiction offers extra support and advice on this here.
Supporting someone with an addiction is very demanding, and there is no one way for anyone to get it ‘right’, but there are ways to ensure you are well set up and prepared to respond as positively as possible in the face of challenging behaviours and situations. Looking after your own wellbeing and feeling connected to a broad support network will help you to stay calmer and feel more resilient when faced with difficult behaviours and is crucial for anyone who cares for someone with an addiction or dependency.
Taking care of yourself will mean you will feel stronger and be more able to see a situation clearly. You’ll be more prepared to respond in ways that feel healthy and appropriate, be less likely to be drawn into conflict, and feel more able to seek help when you need it. Our article on Managing Difficult Relationship Dynamics goes into more detail on this important area, and for more ways to support your own wellbeing and boost your resilience if you are supporting someone with an addiction or dependency, please see our other resources here.