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When supporting someone to look after their wellbeing and maintain the best quality of life they can, carers can often feel a whole range of emotions throughout their caring role, including carers guilt. This article explores what we mean by Carers Guilt and steps that carers can take to manage it when it arises. 

What is Carers Guilt? 

Carers Guilt is an emotion which stems from a feeling of wanting to do the best for the person you care for. Everyone experiences carers guilt differently. It can arise as thoughts, feelings, or even physical symptoms when a carer feels that they are 

  • letting the person they care for down or not doing enough. 

  • being mean or selfish in putting their needs first. 

  • frustrated, angry or resentful due to the impact of caring on their emotional wellbeing. 

Carer guilt can also arise after a crisis or difficult situation too, especially when carers must make tough decisions like calling the emergency services or admitting someone to hospital or care home. Carers guilt is something that most carers will feel at some point in their caring role.  

Why are boundaries important? 

Setting boundaries can help you to meet your own needs, build your resilience and maintain positive relationships the person you care for alongside your caring role.  Boundaries can also help with: 

  • More time to meet your own needs whilst supporting someone else 
  • Improved relationships with the person you support 
  • Clearer expectations about the way you are treating, resulting in less conflict 
  • Less frustration, resentment, and guilt as a carer, improving your overall wellbeing 
  • Avoiding carer burnout 

Steps carers can take to manage carers guilt 

It is important to remember that undertaking tasks that are beyond your comfort zone can lead to you feeling stressed, angry, fatigued and worried. Boundaries can help to ensure that you are able to maintain the caring role whilst looking after your own physical and emotional health. 

Dealing with carer guilt can be tough, especially if it is not possible to change the situation that you or the person you care for are in which is leading to the feeling of guilt. Understanding when you are experiencing carers guilt and developing strategies to help you move forward can be hugely beneficial in looking after your wellbeing long term. If you recognise these feelings, here are some tips to help you understand and respond to them:  

An important first step is to recognise when you may be feeling carer guilt. It is not always an emotion that we can identify right away and for many carers, it is not until their wellbeing or resilience is lower than usual, that it is exposed. For example, when things go wrong, there is a health emergency, or there is a change in someone’s condition, carers can find themselves feeling guilty for the situation the person they care for is in. Although none of these situations naturally trigger a guilt response, carer guilt emerges and we worry that we could have done more. Taking time to notice how you are feeling in these situations can help you to know when to take steps to look after your wellbeing.  

When looking after someone else, carers can often prioritise the needs of the person they care for over their own. It is therefore important that carers have the time and space to deal with their own needs, thoughts, and emotions. Leaving these feelings unresolved long term can have a negative effect on a carer’s physical and emotional wellbeing. Self-care can help to build a carer’s resilience and prepare them to deal with the guilt when it arises. Self-care can also help you to recharge, refocus and move forward. For ways to look after your mental health and wellbeing whilst caring, check out our Carers First guide here.

Boundaries are a helpful tool for carers to set out what you are comfortable or capable of doing for the person you care for. They also help us to shape the caring role to fit within families, work patterns and social commitments etc to ensure that carers have time to do all of the things that are important to them. This can help carers to feel less guilty about saying ‘no’ to things which are beyond this as they become confident about the scope of their caring role. 

Having a daily or weekly routine can also help carers to prevent feelings of guilt. Having a routine with tasks or objectives can help to give you a clear sense of when you have achieved what you set out to and set time aside on a regular basis to look after their needs.  You can find more on this here. 

Often, the caring role can leave little room for the relationship you share with the person you care for. This can leave some carers feeling guilty that they are just doing their duty and haven’t had the chance to enjoy their time with the person. Setting time aside, even just a few minutes a day to take off your carer hat and be with the person can help you to feel better connected. This is especially important after a crisis or difficult situation.   

Talking to people who have similar experiences of caring and guilt can be a helpful way to verbalise and process some of the thoughts and emotions carers hold onto. Talking to other carers can create a safe space for carers learn from each other’s experiences, laugh through the tough stuff and offer words of reassurance as they find ways to take their next step forward. 

You can find out about Carers First peer support groups in your local area here  

Carer Quote:

I did the best I could with the knowledge, skills, experience and resources I had available at the time.”  - Quote from a carer

For more articles on supporting someone who is Frail or Older

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