Carers boundaries are limits that you set out to ensure that your caring role is safe and sustainable long term. Every carer’s situation is unique so carer’s boundaries will vary from person to person.
It can depend on the relationship with the person you care for, the level of care needed, your strengths as a carer and your personal circumstances (family, home, work, other commitments) so it is important to set the boundaries that work for you.
Setting boundaries can help you to meet your own needs, build your resilience and maintain positive relationships the person you care for alongside your caring role. Boundaries can also help with:
- More time to meet your own needs whilst supporting someone else
- Improved relationships with the person you support
- Clearer expectations about the way you are treating, resulting in less conflict
- Less frustration, resentment, and guilt as a carer, improving your overall wellbeing
- Avoiding carer burnout
It is important to remember that undertaking tasks that are beyond your comfort zone can lead to you feeling stressed, angry, fatigued and worried. Boundaries can help to ensure that you are able to maintain the caring role whilst looking after your own physical and emotional health.
Types of boundaries
To develop the relationship and caring role that is most suited to your needs, you may need a range of different types of boundaries. Here is a list of the different types of boundaries you might think about setting in your caring role:
Physical boundaries are the restrictions you set to help you meet your physical needs including rules around physical touch and your personal space. If you live with the person you care for, one physical boundary might be that you have a designated room or space that gives you the space and privacy to step away from your caring role.
Time boundaries are the limitations carers set to ensure that they are able to maintain the balance between their caring role and their own needs. It might include outlining the hours you are able to offer support, managing how many hours of support you can provide and setting time aside to step away from the caring role (including respite).
There are often specific tasks which some carers just cannot do or are not comfortable doing. For some it is personal care or bodily fluids, for others it can be manual handling or administering medication. We are all different and it is okay to say you cannot do something. Setting boundaries which ensure you are only completing tasks you are comfortable with can ensure that you are confident in your caring role. It might be that there is support available to help.
As a carer you may find the person you care for requires new or additional support in things you just cannot take on. Setting boundaries that allow you to say ‘no’ or ‘not right now’ allows you to avoid taking on additional roles which bring you over your capacity.
It is important to be clear on the behaviours you are comfortable with and those you are not to ensure that both you and the person you care for remain safe and happy. For example, individuals may set boundaries around communication, kindness and respect. Setting boundaries around what behaviour is acceptable will help to build mutual respect between you and the person you care for.
As a carer, there may be times where your decisions are heavily influenced by the person you support. Over a long period of time, this can leave carers feeling like they have a lack of freedom or little control over their daily lives, affecting their sense of identity. Having boundaries around specific choices can empower carers and help them to maintain a sense of balance in their caring role.
It is important to recognise that when caring for someone, your role (and your boundaries) may shift as the needs of the person you care for changes. For example, if there is an emergency situation, you may have to relax or remove your boundaries in order to meet their needs at that moment. This doesn’t mean you have lost your boundaries - but they might have to be paused while more or different support is put into place.
How to set boundaries
Whilst boundaries should be clear, they can also change over time. As a carer, there may be times where new boundaries need to be set, or the boundaries you have in place may need to be reviewed. This could be due to a whole range of reasons including
- The person you care for is given is a new diagnosis and you are thinking about planning for the future
- The level of care needs changes
- Your own health changes or mental wellbeing starts to decline (overwhelm, burnout etc)
- New support is introduced
- After an emergency, crisis or hospital admission
- If there is a planned change (like going on holiday or change to hours at work)
- The person you care changes their behaviour in a way that is unacceptable to you
Setting a new boundary will often create a change in behaviour for you, the person you care for or both. It may be something you start to do, stop doing or do differently. For all of these types of boundaries, it is important that it achieves the change you aim for. Here are some questions to help you think about setting boundaries:
- What is the change you would like to see?
- What might need to happen in order for the change to be introduced?
- What might the impact be if some situations continue or there is no change?
- How will you ensure that these boundaries are maintained?
For boundaries to be successful, it is important that you verbalise what your boundaries are. This ensures that expectations are clear for everyone involved. Having a conversation about boundaries can be a helpful starting point. This can often be an opportunity to understand each other’s needs and challenges within the caring role and explain what boundaries you would like to put in place. Setting boundaries is about building a positive relationship moving forward so it can often be unhelpful to talk about what people have done in the past. To avoid reflecting on past behaviour, it can helpful to focus a boundary around what behaviour you would like to see.
As a carer, there may be times where you might find it difficult to say no to the person you are supporting, even if what they are asking going beyond your comfort zone. However, saying no is an important part of setting boundaries too as they help someone to understand where the boundary is. Practising saying no, to yourself or to others can be a helpful way to get more familiar with saying no.
Remember that your safety is top priority so if the person you care for responds to this conversation in an angry, hostile or aggressive way and you do not feel safe, leave the conversation or the situation.
Dealing with Carer Guilt
One main barrier for carers when setting and enforcing boundaries is guilt. Carers Guilt often stems from the desire to give someone the best quality of life possible. Setting boundaries can, at times feel like it is placing restrictions on that however setting these boundaries ensures that the care they receive is sustainable long term.
When setting boundaries, Carer Guilt can feels like:
- you are not doing enough
- you are being mean or selfish in putting you needs first
- you are frustrated, angry or resentful due to the impact of caring on you emotional wellbeing
It is important to recognise that we cannot be responsible for the actions of others because we have said ‘no’ or enforced a boundary which is designed to keep them safe, help you to maintain a healthy relationship with them or protect your wellbeing.
When setting boundaries, remind yourself that it doesn’t mean you're mean or unreasonable. It is about ensuring your needs are heard and met too.
“Remember that we can only do OUR best, not their best”
Online Help and Advice
Visit our online support section where we have provided advice and guidance on a range of relevant topics to help you in your caring role.