Carers Week: Mike's story

Published

01/06/23

Mike, 78, cared for his wife, Lynn, who had breast cancer, for 18 months until her death in December 2022.

Mike and Lynn had bought a park home by the lake in Market Rasen in 2019. They planned to enjoy their retirement and pursue their love of travelling.

When Lynn found a lump in her breast in 2021, Mike “dragged her to the GP” right away. Mike and Lynn were very aware of cancer, having lost their first spouses to the disease.

Lynn was referred to an Oncologist at Lincoln Hospital where they were advised she had breast cancer and would need a mastectomy.

Mike was struck by the transactional nature of the hospital treatment. He says, “It felt like mastectomy and done! There was no consideration of the emotional impact of the mastectomy on Lynn or mention of support for me as her carer.”

For Lynn who had always taken such pride in her appearance, the mastectomy really hit her confidence. Mike’s early role as a carer was trying to reassure Lynn and bolster her spirits. He also took on increased caring responsibilities as Lynn started radiotherapy treatment.

By summer 2022, Lynn’s health started deteriorating, and Mike feared the worst. His own health worsened at this time, and he was increasingly struggling with his caring role. Lynn fell off the sofa one day, and Mike couldn’t lift her because of his sciatica. They waited hours for help from a paramedic.

In all his interactions with health during this time, Mike felt, as a carer, it was like he didn’t exist. He says, “No-one asked how I was doing. I felt so alone. As Lynn’s husband and carer, I was living her illness too. I would sit and cry at times and wonder what’s the point of living?”

After over a year of caring for Lynn alone, Mike was told about Carers First by a Macmillan nurse. From the first conversation with Carers First, it was clear Mike was at breaking point and desperately needed someone to help. His Carer Support Adviser (CSA) met with Mike to complete a Carers Assessment. It was clear he needed help with his own health and was referred to the wellbeing service. Mike was also referred for a Benefits check with Carers First to look at financial support. His CSA also contacted St Barnabas to request respite as Mike needed a break from caring.

Lynn would be in the hospice four days before passing away on Boxing Day.

Mike says, “As Lynn was placed in the hospice it allowed me the last few days to be her husband rather than her carer. This would not have happened if it was not for Carers First advocating on my behalf.”

On what Carers First support has meant to him, Mike says “Carers First listened to me. They took away the pressure of dealing with medical professionals as I wasn’t in a place mentally where I could do this. My frustration is that I wasn’t told about them sooner.”

Mike now receives the Attendance Allowance benefit as well as having a Blue Badge. His health has improved. He has also been introduced to Carers First Men Do project, offering social activities for men who are carers or former carers.

Mike wants to see improved identification of carers through hospitals and GPs. He fears too many patients and their carers are left to cope with the emotional impact of medical treatment alone. “I don’t want other carers to suffer alone like I did. So many carers pass through hospitals and GPs and they need to be told about support available.”